Thursday, February 08, 2007

Jesus Doesn't Like Your Automobile Choices

While leaving the office early this morning, I passed one of the scientists who works in the building, who was on his way in.

"You know that the Reverend Billy Graham says when the Rapture comes, no one who drives a Subaru gets to come along, right?" he asked me, scowling at the Denvermobile, while simultaneously smirking at me.

I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but although I work for a non-profit organization, our office is in a medical research building/lab, because of the nature of the condition that affects the families we serve. There are mice in the basement, building security about on par with NORAD, and I'm one of the few people who works in the building that cannot accurately be called "doctor." It's a strange place and the people in our building are even stranger. This particular scientist chastising me about our vehicle choices, is one of my favorites and one of the strangest.

"Wait, I don't get included in the Rapture?" I ask. I'm a little confused.

"It's even worse if you drive one of those ridiculous wagons," he argues. "Subarus are the new Volvos, you know. Remember in the 80s when everyone who was an uptight, leftist snob drove a Volvo? Those same people are driving Subarus now."

"So, what you're telling me is that our Subaru* is a first class ticket to Yuppie Hell?" I ask.

He laughs, nods, and continues on his way, shouting "Later, Rabbi**!"

A lot of my days are like this, but usually he doesn't start in on me until he's stealing candy out of my office and lecturing me about the evils of science.

* It should also be pointed out that Subarus are basically standard issue in Colorado. There are more of them sold here than any other place in the world. As a matter of fact, the Subaru love is so extreme here that if you are caught driving another type of car, they take away your fleece, your lift ticket, and make you cheer for the Chiefs during home games.

** This same scientist, who loves The Rocky Horror Pictures Show enough that he dressed up as Janet for Halloween, has taken to calling me "Rabbi." If I explained why, it probably still wouldn't make much sense.


Rob Barron said...

I can attest to the truth of this post.

But you forgot one thing - the bumpersticker that looks like a Colorado license plate and says 'Native'.

Maria said...

Wow. I drive a 2003 ford truck. I guess I'm on the rapture list. I've always loved the word "rapture" too. It is right up there with winsome.

I freelance mostly, but work part time at a university. One of my co-workers dresses up as Janet on a daily basis.

creative-type dad said...

I didn't know anybody that drove a Subaru until now. Hippie!

BTW- I would have people call me Dr. if I were you. Make something up, like Dr. Love or Evil. Why not, your not on the list anyway.

Mitch McDad said...

To add to Rob's Native sticker, don't forget the schools of Jesus fish stuck to the backs of those Subarus. Big fich for the daddy, medium fish for the mommy, little fish for the kiddies.

Also, I have a second cousin that's a scientist. Freaky smart, but freaky everything else too.

Denver Dad said...

Rob... We're not a bumper sticker kind of family, so our car is conspicuously void of any proclamations of political party affiliations or birthrights. Besides, I'm only an honorary native, having married a native and been in the state for nearly 20 years.

Maria... So, if you get "raptured," be sure to let those of us with Subarus know what it's like, how it was, if there was anything you should have packed, etc. It would be good to know all of that, just in case the Subaru thing gets waved and God starts hating Hummers instead.

Creative-Type Dad... Hippie? Oh... well... yeah. I guess so. I don't wear my birks to the office, though. I could definitely get behind the "Doctor" title, especially if paired with "Love" or "Evil" or "Clueless," but I've been holding out for "Director of Sarcastic Services." So far, my boss hasn't budged on that one, but I'm hoping she'll come around.

Mitch... "Freaky everything else too" sounds like a great blog catchphrase! I'm partial to the stick figure stickers over the Jesus fish schools. I mean, if I'm going to be left out of the rapture anyway, I should just get something I like.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

p-man said...

Greetings, Dr. Infidel. Your patchoulie-scented hemp fibre mobile will drive you straight to hell. Happy trails.


Denver Dad said...

p-man... Hahahah. Yeah, that about sums it up, doesn't it? :)

Lainey-Paney said...

Gosh. I can't afford the Subaru Tribeca that I would love.
...I'm a wanna-be-uptight-hippie-being left out of yuppie hell.

who am I?
why am I here?


Denver Dad said...

Thanks for stopping in Lainey-Paney! Come on, isn't salvation better than not having the Tribeca you want?

I wonder what vehicle would be the more "Rapture Appropriate."

Denver Dad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.