Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Those About To Rock... In Their Underwear

Just a few blog posts ago I was boosting about my maturity. No, no, the siren call of video games doesn't affect me any longer, for I have become a responsible adult! I was so bold, so self-assured, so proud of my newfound responsibility, so of course it wouldn't last. My friends, if there is another sudden disappearance from this blog, weeks and weeks of nothing new appearing in the many shades of green text you find here, you can blame Guitar Hero II.

Yes, I know, I thought I wouldn't be able to follow the plot either, what without my having played the first Guitar Hero, but I've managed to find some sites on the internet that have explained the idiosyncrasies of the story to me. And, thanks to my keen deductive mind, I've been able to follow the labyrinth of twists and turns with a fumbling, but modest success. What? You're not a fan yet? You don't know about Guitar Hero II?

It boils down to this... you strap on a cheesy, plastic guitar-shaped controller that has buttons on the neck and a weird switch/bar thing you can flick in its center. By pressing the keys and strumming in time to the music you're instantly transformed from a mild-mannered, non-profit office drone into a God of Rock. Or, at least, that's how it works for me. You might have different results, especially if you resist the urge to play in your underwear.

So, Guitar Hero has become my new “thing.“ It's become my hobby, my obsession, nearly become religion for me. Chunk? He loves it too. He doesn't really get that you have to press the buttons and strum at the same time, but he sure likes trying to play it, even if his attempts result in odd noises from his virtual guitar and his little computer-generated rocker gets booed off stage. What else does he like? He likes dancing along to the music while I play, which is kind of neat, as I get to indulge in my new obsession and then claim we were actually having some father-and-son time. I didn't know you needed dancers when you were performing old Motley Crue and Primus songs... again... in your underwear... but it seems to work in the Denver household.

The only bad thing I've discovered since mixing Guitar Hero II and parenting is that while it's a lot of fun, many of the songs are completely inappropriate for a two year old to know by heart and sing along to in public places. There's one particular song called “Possum Kingdom“ by the Toadies which, while not having any foul language or anything, seems to be sung from the perspective of a serial killer “seducing“ his next victim. So, of course that's Chunk's favorite. It's just called “the guitar song“ now and he likes to sing it while we're driving around, hanging out at the coffee shop, or running errands. I would lie to you and say it's cute, but really, it's just kind of creepy.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

You Found This Blog... How, Exactly?!?

Yes, that's right, I'm still phoning it in until I get back into the blogging routine. So, in pursuit of my own, special brand of blogging laziness, I present yet another dip into the Search Keywords bag, where all sorts of nuttiness on the internet brings me new and unexpected readership. Ready, dear readers, to investigate the mysteries of the net? Tis not for the faint of heart, so steel yourselves, take my hand, and wade into the weird with me....

“dady day care gams”

What the hell does this even mean? Is “dady” supposed to be “daddy?” Is “gams” supposed to mean... well... “gams?” What do day care and gams even have in common? Or, is it that “daddy” has “day care gams?” I'm so confused by this one I'm not even sure I should be talking about it.

“ladies who spank in denver”

ANOTHER spanking search? For crying out loud! I make one little reference to spanking and suddenly my blog is the go to spot on the internet for people who've been naughty and need to be punished. I guess you should go with whatever works, so my next post on Denver Dad is going to be “Naughty spanking dominatrix hootchie mamas who live in the 303 area code.” I'll be swimming in the page hits for sure!

“his father like to watch his son spanking his wife”

Oh, for crying out loud! Seriously? This is how you found my blog?

“glasses vs contacts”

People are doing legitimate searches for help on an important issue in their lives and they get my full page complaint about how little plastic discs have defeated me and I'm doomed to forever look like a nerd. Shouldn't Web-MD be getting these hits? Or, one of the spanking sites I keep getting confused with? You know, the one with with the librarian focus?

“if i'm not that pretty can I still be sexy for my husband?”

I swear to you that I'm not making this up. That's an actual keyword search that brought someone to my blog. It seems like when I'm writing about the keyword searches that bring people here, most of my comments are sarcastic and judgmental, but I'm going to actually answer this question. If you're still reading my blog, anonymous person, I want you to know that you can still be sexy for your husband. We are never as ugly or as beautiful as we think we are. We're always somewhere in that glorious middle that's full of truly attractive people. Your husband thought you were pretty enough that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, so I guarantee he still finds you sexy. It doesn't matter what's changed between then and now, he still finds you sexy. Go talk to him. You'll see.

“sexy im guna win you over quotes”

Like the previous keyword search, I feel like I have to answer this one with sincerity and seriousness, because I sense there is a real need for help here, even if its expression is squeezed into just a few words. If you “guna win over” a woman and you need a good line, try this one: “Baby, all four of my eyes are trained on you!” That one is a classic, especially in the calculator isle at your local office supply store. Or, maybe try, “You make my swimsuit areas get all tingly.” How about, “I'm so lonely. Oh, god, I'm so terribly lonely. Please, please love me.”

What? No good? Hey, they worked for me! You don't marry a woman as great as Denver Mom without a little wordplay razzle-dazzle.

“how to ask your babydaddy to move in with you”

Just ask. Honesty is a pretty useful and powerful thing and it often inspires more of the same. The answer might not be what you want, that's a chance you'll have to take, but having an answer is always better than agonizing over the possibilities. If you have a “babydaddy” that means you have a baby. That also means you're probably in a pretty unpredictable situation right now. You and that baby need stability, so find it. Hopefully your babydaddy wants to help you get there, but if that's not the case, you'll need to know so you can find stability on your own. Good luck.

“resparking a marriage”

Have you tried spanking? What about wearing contacts? Did you try to be sexy for your husband? None of that worked? Practice saying the following: “I don't think we're communicating very well at the moment.” Listen, if you're Googling for tips, something has gone off the rails at some point and it probably had something to do with your ability to communicate with your spouse. If you can say that, while being honest, and your spouse can hear it as something other than an attack, you're well on your way to getting back on the rails. It might start a conversation where you are communicating, then the rest is easy.

Whew... that was fun... and a little strange.

Friday, September 14, 2007

A Day With My Son

Well, the special event at work that has been consuming all of my free time is finally over, and while the clean-up is almost more work than the day itself, at least I've been able to get some sleep and spend time with my family. As a matter of fact, I'm taking today off to have some father-and-son time with Chunk, something I've been looking forward to doing for a couple of weeks now.

It's a strange feeling. Although I know my status as a dad wasn't taken away from me, at the same time I feel like I haven't really been much of a dad for the past month. Sure, I've made sure he's had something to eat, I've gotten him in the bath, told him that he wasn't allowed to smoke in bed, all the important things, but I haven't been much of a father, in terms of being there for my son. When he's grabbed me by the arm and shouted, in that shrill little voice, "Daddy, daddy, let me show ya!" I've just answered him with a grunt and more typing, rather than dropping everything and following him into his room to see whatever it is he's currently excited about. So, as weird as it sounds, I feel like today is my day. Maybe its not enough to make up for a month of being preoccupied, but it's something, and I plan on enjoying it.

My original plan was to take him to see "Underdog." I'm aware that its probably one of the worst movies of the year, but during our first movie experience as a family ("Ratatootie" a couple of months ago) we saw the trailer for "Underdog" and Chunk very nearly exploded. "It's a dog superhero!" he screamed, pointing frantically at the screen, and checking to make sure I was paying attention. Have we talked about his love of all things spandex wearing? Have we talked about his fascination for dogs? "Underdog," while undoubtedly bad, looked like a perfect film for him, but alas, it looks like it's already come and gone. The only theater showing it in town is the Cinema Latino de Aurora and I think its been dubbed into Spanish. Chunk probably wouldn't mind, but my Spanish is pretty rusty and I want to be able to follow the intricate plot and subtle character development.

More soon. For better or worse, I seem to be back.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

A New Exhibit By Chunk

I know, I know... you don't know why you keep coming back here. There's no new posts and this "Denver Dad" guy is an awful blogger. I apologize. The non-profit I work for has its biggest special event of the year coming up and I've been completely swamped. It'll be over next week, so I hope to be back to my usual sarcasm and whining after that. Thanks for your patience with me.

Until I have some time to squeeze in a few new posts, I thought I'd share some of my son's recent photos.

He inherited my previous digital camera and is obsessed with taking pictures. When I was making a pizza a couple of weeks ago, he documented the entire process, demanding that I lift him up so he could take pictures of the dough, then the crust, the sauce, the sausage, etc. Unfortunately, we lost those photos in an accidental "format card" incident, but that hasn't slowed him down one bit. He's still at it.

I asked him the other day if he was documenting "truth or beauty?" He didn't have an answer for me, so I have no idea if these photos are supposed to be photojournalistic in nature or artistic. I guess you'll have to be the judge.

Take care, all! I'll be back soon! And, if anyone has any suggestions for how to better use Flickr with Blogger, I'd love to hear them. I had to post each photo from Flickr as individual posts, cut and paste the code, then delete the photo post. There's got to be a better way.