Yes, that's right, I'm still phoning it in until I get back into the blogging routine. So, in pursuit of my own, special brand of blogging laziness, I present yet another dip into the Search Keywords bag, where all sorts of nuttiness on the internet brings me new and unexpected readership. Ready, dear readers, to investigate the mysteries of the net? Tis not for the faint of heart, so steel yourselves, take my hand, and wade into the weird with me....
“dady day care gams”
What the hell does this even mean? Is “dady” supposed to be “daddy?” Is “gams” supposed to mean... well... “gams?” What do day care and gams even have in common? Or, is it that “daddy” has “day care gams?” I'm so confused by this one I'm not even sure I should be talking about it.
“ladies who spank in denver”
ANOTHER spanking search? For crying out loud! I make one little reference to spanking and suddenly my blog is the go to spot on the internet for people who've been naughty and need to be punished. I guess you should go with whatever works, so my next post on Denver Dad is going to be “Naughty spanking dominatrix hootchie mamas who live in the 303 area code.” I'll be swimming in the page hits for sure!
“his father like to watch his son spanking his wife”
Oh, for crying out loud! Seriously? This is how you found my blog?
“glasses vs contacts”
People are doing legitimate searches for help on an important issue in their lives and they get my full page complaint about how little plastic discs have defeated me and I'm doomed to forever look like a nerd. Shouldn't Web-MD be getting these hits? Or, one of the spanking sites I keep getting confused with? You know, the one with with the librarian focus?
“if i'm not that pretty can I still be sexy for my husband?”
I swear to you that I'm not making this up. That's an actual keyword search that brought someone to my blog. It seems like when I'm writing about the keyword searches that bring people here, most of my comments are sarcastic and judgmental, but I'm going to actually answer this question. If you're still reading my blog, anonymous person, I want you to know that you can still be sexy for your husband. We are never as ugly or as beautiful as we think we are. We're always somewhere in that glorious middle that's full of truly attractive people. Your husband thought you were pretty enough that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, so I guarantee he still finds you sexy. It doesn't matter what's changed between then and now, he still finds you sexy. Go talk to him. You'll see.
“sexy im guna win you over quotes”
Like the previous keyword search, I feel like I have to answer this one with sincerity and seriousness, because I sense there is a real need for help here, even if its expression is squeezed into just a few words. If you “guna win over” a woman and you need a good line, try this one: “Baby, all four of my eyes are trained on you!” That one is a classic, especially in the calculator isle at your local office supply store. Or, maybe try, “You make my swimsuit areas get all tingly.” How about, “I'm so lonely. Oh, god, I'm so terribly lonely. Please, please love me.”
What? No good? Hey, they worked for me! You don't marry a woman as great as Denver Mom without a little wordplay razzle-dazzle.
“how to ask your babydaddy to move in with you”
Just ask. Honesty is a pretty useful and powerful thing and it often inspires more of the same. The answer might not be what you want, that's a chance you'll have to take, but having an answer is always better than agonizing over the possibilities. If you have a “babydaddy” that means you have a baby. That also means you're probably in a pretty unpredictable situation right now. You and that baby need stability, so find it. Hopefully your babydaddy wants to help you get there, but if that's not the case, you'll need to know so you can find stability on your own. Good luck.
“resparking a marriage”
Have you tried spanking? What about wearing contacts? Did you try to be sexy for your husband? None of that worked? Practice saying the following: “I don't think we're communicating very well at the moment.” Listen, if you're Googling for tips, something has gone off the rails at some point and it probably had something to do with your ability to communicate with your spouse. If you can say that, while being honest, and your spouse can hear it as something other than an attack, you're well on your way to getting back on the rails. It might start a conversation where you are communicating, then the rest is easy.
Whew... that was fun... and a little strange.