Sunday, July 29, 2007

My Performance Review

It's difficult to summon the energy it takes to post to a daddy blog when you're just not enjoying being a dad. At first it's not a big deal. You can skate by with your previous deeds, acting like you're still working hard at it, but eventually, people catch on.

I imagine a closed door meeting with the HR person, going something like this:

HR Person: Denver Dad, you've been Director of Daddy Affairs, for how long now?

Denver Dad: It's been two years, eight months, and counting.

HR Person: Right. And, you've been doing a pretty good job, for the most part. That bit of projectile vomiting at the grocery store aside, your performance has meet standards and even exceeded in a few places.

Denver Dad: That's right. I drove to Minnesota and back with Chunk and didn't even raise my voice.

HR Person: Is that true?

Denver Dad: Okay, no, I did raise my voice. But, it was like only once to twice.

HR Person: That's not bad.

Denver Dad: Thanks! And, I took Chunk to see “Ratatouille” in a real theater and everything. That wasn't exactly a picnic. Neither was taking him to ride the light rail, just for fun, because he loves trains.

HR Person: That's great, but you know why we're having this particular conversation, right now, don't you?

Denver Dad: I won some sort of lotto and get a month of paid vacation?

HR Person: Hahaha... man, that's rich. You're a funny guy when you're not all depressed and morose.

Denver Dad: Umm... thanks.

HR Person: The reason I wanted to talk to you, Denver Dad, is that I noticed your performance has been... well... slipping lately.

Denver Dad: Listen, I've been under a lot of stress at work and I told Denver Mom I'd make it up to her. It was just that one time.

HR Person: Sigh. No, I mean with your duties as a dad.

Denver Dad: OH! Right. Sorry. I got a little confused.

HR Person: I was hoping you could tell me a little about what's going on with you and your son.

Denver Dad: Well, frankly, that kid is crazy.

HR Person: Crazy?

Denver Dad: Totally crazy. He cries when you put him in his car seat, but then he won't get in his car seat voluntarily. He whines constantly. He gets up at five thirty in the morning, every morning, like he's keyed off some freakin' atomic clock or something....

HR Person: I thought you were an early riser too.

Denver Dad: I am, but I wouldn't mind sleeping in until six in the morning... you know... just once.

HR Person: What else?

Denver Dad: We're still on that whole “momma do et” kick, which between you and me, has gotten more than a little old.

HR Person: And?

Denver Dad: Why would a kid voluntarily sit in his own poop? I mean, really... just say, “Dad... I dropped a load.” It takes like three minutes to clean up. It's not a big deal, but he acts like its some horrible secret that I'm not allowed to find out about.

HR Person: I've read that kids have issues surrounding their potty habits, because it's one of the few things they can really control.

Denver Dad: Are you kidding me? That kid controls everything. It's like having Dick Cheney has your son.

HR Person: I think you're exaggerating a little.

Denver Dad: You're right. I'm exaggerating. Chunk doesn't have a shotgun.

HR Person: So, how are you going to handle these recent setbacks?

Denver Dad: Well, I was hoping to just hide from him.

HR Person: Hide from him? That was your plan?

Denver Dad: That or track down the receipt the hospital gave us and see if I can get my money back.

HR Person: It's that bad?

Denver Dad: Some days it's not bad at all, but others... I'm pretty sure that demon that possessed that kid in “The Exorcist” got my son.

HR Person: Again with the exaggeration?

Denver Dad: Listen, pal, you haven't been locked at home with him. He's a monster.

HR Person: I'm still going to have to write you up.

Denver Dad: Pffft! You think I'm scared of a piece of paper? Listen, when we're done with this little meeting, I have to go back to him. I'm hoping you write me up really slowly so I can savor the time away.

HR Person: Just sign here. The yellow copy is yours.

That's pretty much what the last month has been like. Sorry I haven't been around, but like I said, it's hard to post glowing anecdotes about the joys of fatherhood when being a dad has been kind of a bummer lately. He's a great kid, that hasn't changed, but he's been challenging. The true wonder of it all is that I haven't killed him yet. Or, that he hasn't killed me. Glorious, eh?

More soon. I promise.


Dad Stuff said...

He's just keeping you honest. You wouldn't want to get too relaxed and out of shape.
This way the good times seem even better when they happen.
Good Luck.

Sandy said...

From my point of view, you don't have to post all glowing anything about parenthood...because sometimes it sucks some serious ass. Especially when the kid runs around like a lunatic screaming and throwing fits because a cheerio fell in the floor...and does this for WEEKS and it takes ALL DAY to get the little bugger to calm down, only for him to throw a fit because a piece of CORN fell on the floor...

I just remind myself of the movie "A Legue of Their Own"... Tom Hanks says, "It it wasn't hard then everyone would do it. It is the hard that makes it great."

That's my story and I'm stickin to it.

Mitch McDad said...

Hang in there bro! Reading this was nice for me. Lilly has gone through a stretch lately that makes me want to ship her off to China. i don't think there is anything harder than looking at your own kid and not wanting them around because they won't stop whining and throwing tantrums. And it feels like every other kids is just fine. But i think we're all in the same boat--to a certain degree.

OK..deep breath...ahhh.

Maria said...

Oh, yes...those terrible two years. I remember looking at Liv, who suddenly had a morbid fear of bearded men and wondering who left me this alien child?

She also began to sniff her food as if she were sure I was trying to secretly poison her.

And she became frightened of the flushing the toilet, was afraid that "robbers" would come out of it. This was when she used it. Which was rarely. Potty training was like a lesson in Who's The Boss Around Here.

It was her, of course. I'm not THAT stupid.

Good luck...and gets better...

Lainey-Paney said...

Well Denver Dad....I agree that parenting can certainly SUCK at times. It can be challenging, and hard, and try every ounce of patience that we've been given.

It's okay to say "this part sucks."

creative-type dad said...

Oh boy- hang in there.

We're getting in that "2" phase now...

Suburban Kamikaze said...

Gosh, that sounds awful! It's probably just a phase though, don't you think? I mean it's not like he'll be whiny and demanding for the next 10 years...
What would THAT be like I wonder?

Vampdaddy said...

It's okay...Let it out, Denver Dad! Parenting is hard work, and I think more of us need to be honest about the parts that suck. Our ability to survive them is what makes us great parents!

Of course, provided we don't stuff our child in the ball pit and Chuck E. Cheese and leave them there for another family to adopt....

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