Friday, May 25, 2007

I'm Not Going To Quote The Grateful Dead And You Can't Make Me

I'm not one of those guys that can complain about being prematurely gray -- the guys that, on their 25th birthdays, wake up to a silver sheen and a stunned sort of look on their faces can complain. I'm not one of those unfortunate men, but lately, my wife has been commenting more and more at the amount of gray that has found itself on my head.

I had a good run. I'm going to be 36 next month, so a bit of gray seems appropriate, but at the same time, still feels a little early. Men with gray hair shouldn't be obsessing about video games and zombie movies. No, we should be retiring to our dens to reflect on the works of Dickens, pulling leisurely on our pipes, and occasionally discussing which actress in “the pictures“ currently has the best gams. Or, at least, that's how I imagined adult life would be once I became a mature man. Little did I know I'd be the same dorky guy, only a little bit older.

Have you seen the “Just For Men“ commercials? They seem to be on a lot these days, or maybe I'm just more sensitive to them, now that I'm exactly the demographic they're trying to win over. They're actually kind of amusing. I'll recount the action, in case you missed them:

Sad sack guy is at a bar that hasn't been renovated since 1974, his hair conspicuously gray. No, really, this otherwise handsome guy looks like a grandpa... a GRANDPA! Geez, all the hot chicks are avoiding him because they're worried he'll try to ply them with Werther's Originals and then offer to take them back to his pad to show them his etchings.

If only he could cover up that gray! Wait... thanks to the miracles of modern science, he can! With just a simple application of a dye that looks a bit like the stuff that Spiderman's new black costume is made out of, he can be a swinging, hep cat again!

Cut back to the 1974 bar... my goodness... sad sack is now a happy playboy on the prowl! The hot girls are hanging all over him, he gave all of his Werther's Originals to the bartender, and life is good again! Thank goodness he got that gray hair taken care of and isn't a horrible troll any longer, despite the fact that like his favorite bar, his style hasn't changed much since he shared that apartment with Chrissy and Janet.

So, even though there is a product for men like me, men who want to go to 70s themed bars and pick up women who wear too much makeup, I think I'm going to forgo “coloring“ my hair. It seems like too much work and also seems like too much... I don't know... vanity? Effort? I'll look at my gray hair like I look at my scars, proof that I was here and didn't just spend my time sitting around looking pretty (clarification: looking pretty strange). I lived with as little fuss as I could, and damnit, I drew the line at hair gel.

So, when Denver Mom has an affair with our pool boy (once we get a pool), because I look too much like an old man, I'll reconsider. However, until that time, I remain gray and getting more gray every day. I don't know if I'll wear it with pride, but I'll wear it with genuineness. I'll wear my gray because I am, after all, gray, not old.

The question that's been bothering me since this realization: Is it just coincidence that Denver Mom and I are trying to learn how to play Bocce? Bocce?!? Maybe I am old.

14 comments:

creative-type dad said...

I've been granted 'grays' since the age of 22 (that you easter bunny...or mom and dad) I once let it go for a few months around 30 and friends/wife/family thought I had some disease because my entire head was nearly all gray.

I said to myself "That's never going to happen again!! Science will prove useful"

I go to "a gal" friend proffesional who takes care of that for me. Thankfully I never resorted to the "greccian formula" aisle and walk around with black shoe polish stains on my forehead.

You can still see some gray, but it's not NEARLY as bad as it could be.

Larry and I look pretty stylin' down at the Reagle Beagle.

Dad Stuff said...

When my time comes, I'm opting for the Blake Carrington look. Or maybe the Steve Martin.
Or maybe just 'old guy in white socks and Birkenstocks.'

p-man said...

The come as you are bocce invitational starts tomorrow at scenic Kits Point. That's here in Vancouver. You don't require talent to compete, so come on up! Maybe this is a comment better suited to the previous post. Really. You can visit the badlands en route.

DJ Kirkby said...

My Chopper is getting some grey and I think he is drop dead gorgeous! Grey is so distinguished and sexy 'cos it alludes to the promise of refined indoor sports techniques due to years of experience... bet your wife thinks the same...

Chopski said...

Grey is the new black! If that doesn't work buy a hat!!

Denver Dad said...

Creative-Type... Don't get me wrong, I'm not against other men coloring their hair. Clearly you're one of those unfortunate guys who wasn't given a few good years, so you get a free pass in my book. I just feel that, for me, it's not my thing. Say "hi" to Larry for me, though. And remind him he owes me ten dollars (which in 1974 money is HUGE).

Dad Stuff... That's awesome! Socks with birkenstocks are, in fact, very stylish. Just be aware that in Colorado you have to wear wool socks with your birks. The fatter the socks, the better, and it's a look that's good year round.

P-Man... Seriously? A Bocce Invitational? That's awesome! I'm afraid I'd get laughed out of Canada with my plastic Target set, but it's still very cool. Hmmm. Is this an annual thing? :)

DJ Kirkby... I do believe you're the first person to post here named "DJ" anything, so welcome! I always appreciate new people dropping by. Just so you know, if you insist on posting comments like "gray hair is sexy," you're going to have to come back. And, if you post things like "grown men who still read comic books are sex gods" I'm going to have to make you an honorary wife or something.

Chopski... Same goes for you, sir, except for the part about us getting married. Thanks for dropping by and weighing in on the whole gray vs. weirdly-not-brown-nor-blond either debate. I appreciate it whenever someone drops in and takes the time to post a comment.

Sandy said...

Haha. Video Games and Zombie movies...you and my husband would get along fine...he is obcessed with Zombie Invasions at the moment...

Anyway...

As a woman I can say don't worry about the gray. I know I find it attractive for men to have gray hair...I also find that a woman's gray hair is beautiful...don't worry about the gray.

And I have no clue what Bocce is...

Sarah O. said...

Goodness, keep you gray hair! Men can get away with gray hair and look cool. Men can be bald and look cool.

I believe that women should be able to age naturally but that's not gonna happen in our generation. Women still have an expiration date, about 42 years after birth.

Maybe Generation Y will fix this but let's face it. We've got this instinct that makes only women of child-bearing age hot.

Therefore, my BFF is Lady Clairol.

Sarah O. said...

I forgot to mention that our girl dog, age 2, is already quite gray about the muzzle. And she looks fantastic!

Which is a good thing because applying Lady Claiol Mocha De-Lite #327 on Ria's snout could take quite a while.

Suburban Kamikaze said...

O Sarah. It just depends on how you define "naturally." Some people think it is perfectly natural in middle age to put on love handles and classic rock, but
I'm not going there.
Keep your hair any color you like Denver. We're looking at your ass anyway.
SK

Denver Dad said...

Sandy... Zombie Invasions? I haven't heard of it. Hmmm... I just might have to go a little investigation! :)

Sarah... I think your comment is, sadly, spot on in some ways, but I think things are changing faster than you think. Remember all the hub-bub about Helen Mirran and how hot she was at the Oscars? Five years ago that wouldn't have happened. And, I have to say, despite having a few more years than your "expiration date," Helen was looking mighty fine. I think a lot of attractiveness is born in that weird cauldron of confidence and Ms. Mirran had it in spades that night, so naturally she turned some heads.

Kamikaze... You just made my week! Geez, I'm easy.

Sandy said...

Haha...look up Zombie Survival Guide at B&N or Amazon...that has become his Bible.

Maria said...

My Da was completely gray at 30.He also wore dentures. And he was one good looking dude.

I went gray at 35, but I am still hanging on to my teeth....

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